Re: The Joke Thread!

by oldie Fri Aug 17, 2012 5:28 am

I made a ventriliquists dummy out of old pieces of carpet last night.....
It was ruggish.

by oldie Fri Aug 17, 2012 5:37 am

Little Johnny was frantically trying to clean the spunk stains off his Sisters duvet, when all of a sudden his Mum walked in.
"You disgusting little ba$tard" she shouted in horror.
"I'm disgusting" replied little Johnny......"She's the one who spat it out all over the bed".

by oldie Mon Aug 20, 2012 5:50 am

My sex change operation from male to female went really well yesterday,

It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park

by HighlyJetted Sat Aug 25, 2012 9:54 am

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "S hit, from way back there I thought you said 'Goats.'

by oldie Sat Nov 24, 2012 7:11 am

Embarassed, I finally went to the doctors about my premature ejaculation problem.

The Dr was very sympathetic and said,....."It must be very frustrating for your girlfriend".

I said...... "Yeah, it's getting on her tits".

by waz Thu Nov 29, 2012 8:34 pm

I was in Australia with the girlfriend recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet. I phoned the Fosters lager helpline:

"Please help me"
"Hey, what's up man?"
"My girlfriend has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"

"Thanks mate, bye"

by elfin girl Mon Dec 17, 2012 9:05 pm

This is a frightening statistic... 25% of the women in this country are taking medication for mental illness ....... What a Face

That's scary......

It means 75% of the fuckers are running around untreated affraid

by d1noh Mon Dec 17, 2012 10:00 pm

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man 's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman 's heart beats faster than a man 's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person 's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women: will be finished reading this by now.
Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.

by elfin girl Sat Dec 29, 2012 8:45 pm

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK!

I CAN'T park the f*****g car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

by HighlyJetted Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:06 pm

That's a good one!

by rich the mechanic Thu Jan 03, 2013 9:29 pm

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say's "and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"

by oldie Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:03 pm

A girl on the bus said that she would give me a blow job for £5.00.
When she finished, she wiped her mouth and lit a fag...
I thought to myself, 'What is the world coming too!!!!......who'd sell cigarettes to a 12 year-old'.

by rich the mechanic Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:32 pm

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

by rich the mechanic Wed Jan 16, 2013 6:48 pm

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

by elfin girl Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:53 am

Sod it, let's offend everyone!!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him “I wish I had your will power.”

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any change?” I said “No, you're still black”.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ......... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji ..

A woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he says. ”I want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed ”OK - you're bloody ugly as well”

by rich the mechanic Wed Jan 23, 2013 8:02 pm

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

by rich the mechanic Thu Jan 24, 2013 9:01 pm

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom,

and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

by rich the mechanic Thu Jan 24, 2013 9:04 pm

One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments
for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved,
so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company
that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in
because the situation became desperate. As the
firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the
fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Eizabeth, NJ .

This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down
fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters,
passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement
as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to
fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their
own lives. Within a short time, the old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment
he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the brave elderly
Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event
on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian
fire chief,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli,
the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna
do isza fixa de brakes on dat truck!!'

by PFM Fri Jan 25, 2013 6:27 pm

Wasn't expecting that ending! I like that, someone took a bit of time to construct it well.

by waz Sat Jan 26, 2013 9:49 pm

Dear God

You gave me childhood …
You took it away…

You gave me youth…
You took it away…

You gave me a wife…
Just reminding you…!

by rich the mechanic Mon Jan 28, 2013 6:38 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

by HighlyJetted Wed Feb 20, 2013 5:36 pm

Sure some of you old cronies can relate to this one:-

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

by oldie Sat Feb 23, 2013 5:17 am

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder......Footprints.

by waz Sat Feb 23, 2013 12:35 pm

And the Oscar goes to ......(drumroll)...... JAIL
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her ... it was the silence of the limbs.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes,

who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa ... White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Oscar pistorius's legal defense- he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.
Footprints.

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?... 20 years.

Breaking news: Oscar Pistorius named in South African shooting team for 2016 Olympics.

It must have been dark when Oscar Pitorius shot his girlfriend ...

He said he couldn't see two feet in front of him.

Shame about Oscar Pistorius ... the man had the world at his knees.

Trying to surprise your partner on Valentines day ... Worth a shot.

I take it Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

Oscar Pistorius, bringing a whole new meaning to 'taking your girlfriend out on
Valentines day'.

Newspaper headline: Unarmed girlfriend shot dead by unlegged boyfriend

Word of the day: 'pistorious' meaning 'handy with a pistol'

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius.

I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

New revelations in the Oscar Pistorius case. Police found a cricket bat covered
in blood on the scene!
And a pair of stumps...

by oldie Sun Mar 10, 2013 5:26 am

Think I've upset the Mrs ....

While I was in bed reading a book, I put my hand on her minge and started rubbing away .

A few seconds later she was taking her underwear off .

I looked at her and said "What ARE you you doing ".

She said "Well!...you want a shag don't you "?

"Noooooo" I said......"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page "!

by waz Wed Mar 13, 2013 7:15 pm

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine . It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'

She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

' Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me much lower!

'Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.

He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ' PIERRE , WHAT #@ DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

by HighlyJetted Sun Mar 17, 2013 2:55 pm

Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house. They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers.
The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests. She thought to herself that these men were so wasted that it didn't matter what type of women they used. She collected two inflatable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms. The two men were then immediately escorted to their rooms for the night. The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other "last night was the worst time ever! I just laid there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!" The other man said to his friend"that’s nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"

by Logi Mon Mar 18, 2013 11:19 am

After being sent to jail, i spent the next hour being held face down over a table & getting violently shagged up the arse.... Sometimes i think my freinds take Monopoly a bit too seriously..

by HighlyJetted Mon Mar 18, 2013 3:41 pm

I guess that's making a joke of a real life situation Logan!

by HighlyJetted Wed Mar 20, 2013 11:37 pm

Got thrown out of the chemist today.

I asked the woman behind the counter "do you take it up the arse or do you swallow it?"

She went mental, god knows what i'm suppose to do with these laxatives.

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The Joke Thread!