Re: The Joke Thread!

[oldie]

I was on holiday Australia with the Mrs recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet, so I phoned the Fosters lager helpline:

"Please help me"
"Hey, what's up man?"
"My girlfriend has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"

"Hadn't thought of that.....Thanks mate, bye"

[oldie]

My Mrs sent me a text today saying....'I love you xxxxx'
...so I sent a text back saying...'I love you'
...the Mrs text back saying....'It would mean more if you put ex'es at the end'
....So I sent....... 'I love you...Anne, Julie, Clare, Emma, Sue.........".

[oldie]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[Ninianne]

Ethics Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

You are in Florida - Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper. and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos, there are houses and people swirling around you: some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life - trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is. It's Donald Trump! At the same time vou notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You have two options—you can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:



Would vou select high contrast colour film or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

[Ninianne]

Andy the fireman went down the pub after attending a late call out, to enjoy a well earned pint. After he’d drained his glass and was heading for the door, he noticed a man collapsed in a corner, very drunk indeed.

He asked the bartender, “Have you seen this bloke in the corner here?”

The bartender peered over the bar, “Oh no, not again! It’s Joe. I’ll have to find someone to take him home. He’ll not make it alone, even tho it’s only 2 minutes down the road.”

“Don’t bother” said Andy, “It’s on my way, I’ll take him home”. The barman gratefully accepted his offer.

So Andy tried to rouse Joe and get him to his feet. But Joe just muttered incoherently and slowly slid back down the wall on to the floor. Unperturbed, the fireman slung Joe over his shoulder and carried him out of the bar.

On arriving at Joe’s house, Andy attempted to prop Joe up against the front door, intending to ring the door bell and leave Joe to face his wife alone. But the drunk’s legs buckled beneath him and he keeled forwards, heading for a collision with the pavement. The fireman’s quick reactions stopped him just in time. He thought to himself, “This bloke has really had a skin full”.

Twice more Andy tried, without success, to keep the mumbling drunk on his feet long enough to ring the doorbell and do a runner. But each time Joe’s legs melted beneath him and Andy barely caught him before he hit the ground. “He’s going to have a hell of a hangover tomorrow!”, he muttered under his breath.

Inevitably the commotion roused Joe’s wife from her bed. She pushed opened the bedroom window and stuck out her head. She surveyed the scene below her, then she fixed her steely gaze on the undaunted fireman and demanded, “Where the hell is his bloody wheelchair?!”

[oldie]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

[oldie]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[oldie]

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to come up wi' 500 quid

[oldie]

I took my wife to a disco last night.

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down''.

I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating''!!

[oldie]

While at the gym yesterday, I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to get my finger in....

....anyway, she's filed a formal complaint with the police and my membership has been cancelled.

[oldie]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.

He whispers in her ear, "Iron this... then get me a beer.

[oldie]

Annoyed by the Professor of Anatomy, who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The Professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.....
Then.....halfway through the lecture, he began.........."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Ladies, Ladies" said the professor with a broad smile, "The next plane for France doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

[oldie]

A man on his death bed in hospital asked for his wife three, 3 sons and his nurse to be present to hear his last wishes......

To my first son I leave the two blocks of flats in the East-end of London.

To my second son l leave the four penthouse apartment's in Chelsea.

And to my third son I leave the four story glass building near Tower Bridge.

With that he slipped away.

The nurse said to his wife "I did not realise your husband was so wealthy, you and your son's are very lucky".
''He wasn't,'' replied his wife.......''He was a window cleaner.''

[oldie]

I asked a North Korean guy what's it like living there?... 'I can't complain' he said.

[oldie]

Late in the night, Maurice finally regained consciousness.
He was in hospital in the ICU.
He found himself with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realised that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable.....
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Also speaking slowly, Maurice managed to mumble in reply......
"Can I feel your boobs, then?"

And that my friends, is a POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!

[Guest]

No NEGATIVE COMMENTS here Oldie. Nice to see you back on here again. Certainly very quiet on here for some while now. I only look in once a week - unless someone lets me know that someone is needing some information or some spare parts.

Retirement is suiting me with just plodding along with the usual health problems restricting me from doing that much. How are you doing Ole Boy??

[oldie]

TWO HUNTERS

Paddy and Mick, got a pilot to fly them to northern Canada where they could hunt Moose.
They managed to bag six Moose. But as they were loading the plane, the pilot said he could carry only four Moose.
The two lads objected strongly, “Last year we got six.
The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six Moose were loaded.
However, on take-off, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing into the wilderness.
Somehow, Paddy and Mick survived the crash, and climbed out of the wreckage.
Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied...“I think we are pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

[PFM]

It must be nearly Christmas, Oldie's awake!

[Guest]

That is brilliant Oldie. I am going to send that to my sister. She is pretty ill with a Brain Tumour.
Back in April she was too ill to attend our mum's( who died in Merthyr Tiddfyl) funeral at Godalming in Surrey.
I found some jokes to send to her and it really cheered her up. She loves the jokes I send her and they really cheer her up. I have sent her a few of your "clean jokes" and she has really been cheered up. Thanks again for that one today. Very funny.

[oldie]

It must be nearly Christmas, Oldie's awake!

Ho Ho Ho .

[oldie]

Good evening Woodie, sorry to hear about your Sister....will try to find some more 'clean' jokes for you to send-on .

[oldie]

My wife begged me to stop singing 'I'm A Believer' by The Monkees because she found it so annoying.
At first, I thought she was kidding.....But then I saw her face

[oldie]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone...and starts to sing .....


" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[oldie]

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know?

What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

[oldie]

Yesterday, I got my own back for Christmas shopping.
I took my wife into 8 different pubs without having a drink, then went back into the 1st one and bought a pint.

[oldie]

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you £10,00," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.

Josh was amazed. He gave the boy £10.00, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another £10.00......
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the £10.00 you promised."
......."That's from your grandma," said Josh.

[Guest]

Brilliant Oldie. Thanks very much. I know exactly what you mean about visiting 8 shops and then my wife goes back to the first one to buy what she had seen in the other 7. She drives me mad. Also buys absolutely useless clutter from the Charity Shops and then days later takes it back to another Charity. And I'm the ruddy Charity being syphoned of dosh.

So true a word spoken in Jest.

Keep them rolling out so that my sister can be rolling around on the floor with laughter. She is the only person I know who is on the same immediate wavelength as me. I have only had one other friend who could keep up with my lateral thinking on anything. He was 23 years older than me and he died 4 years ago aged 87. He was so fit it was unbelievable. He was the oldest man for several years on the "Walk the Wight". A 27 mile walk from Bembridge in the East of the Island to the Needles at the Western end.
Really miss dear old Stan. He was amazing.

[oldie]

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:....
'If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.'

The husband texted back to her:....
'I'm on the toilet......Please advise.'

[oldie]

The day before Easter, an old man in London calls his son in Australia and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”

The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, “Dad, what are you talking about?”

The father replies, “It’s just that we can’t stand the sight of each other any more. And I’m sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Japan and tell her?”

The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who’s equally distraught and exclaims, “Like heck they’re getting divorced! Leave it to me, I’ll take care of this.”

So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, “You are not getting divorced! Don’t you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me Dad?”

She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, “Okay honey, they’re both coming for Easter and paying their own flight ticket.”

[oldie]

A blind man stood by the station every day selling matches for 20p from a tray. A man used to come out of the station each morning and put 20p on the tray but never used to take the matches. One morning he drops 20p on the tray as usual, and as he walks away the blind man shouted: "Excuse me! But are you the man that always puts 20p on my tray but doesn't take any matches" The man said, "Yes, that's me".
The blind man said, "I think you should know that they went up to 30p last week".

[Sponsored content]