Re: The Joke Thread!

[HighlyJetted]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby..

the bus driver says ''uugghhhh .. thats the ugliest baby i've ever seen''

the woman walks to the back of the bus .. fuming .. she says to the man next to her .. ''the driver just insulted me! ''

the man says ''you go back down there and tell him to fuck off !! .. go on .. its ok .. i'll hold the monkey for you''

[HighlyJetted]

A drunk man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and sees a large glass jar halfway full of £20 notes. Asks the bar man about it.

Bar man explains that it is for a contest that nobody has won yet. The fee for entering the contest is £20 which is placed in the jar.

Upon winning the person will get that jar of money.

The challenge is to first knock out the bouncer with one punch,
second to pull the tooth that is bothering the Rottweiler guard dog in the back,
last to satisfy the woman upstairs.

The drunk man thinks he can do it so he puts a £20 in the jar.
Walks up to the bouncer and BOOM! Knocks him the fuck out.
Next he goes out the back to the dog. Inside the bar man and customers hear vicious growling, barking, banging around and general chaos.
After a while the drunk man comes back into the bar jeans ripped and shredded, blood everywhere, and asks,
"Alright now, where's the bitch with the bad tooth?"

[oldie]

Well, my Mrs reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.

She may be right...........but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one .

[waz]

I bought myself some new fluorescent pens today.

That was the highlight of my week.

[d1noh]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a home
movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions
for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next sh*t could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault, I should have
taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the
fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were
going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought, "Screw it"….soldier on.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her "Only you. All the others kept me
awake screwing me all night !"

My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed... "I wish you a slow and
painful death you b*stard!"

"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to stay now!"

Catholic boy in confession says bless me Father I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.

That's a disgrace said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to the UK so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[oldie]

http://thumbsnap.com/KyXxME0g

[oldie]

Met a lovely girl last night, but she had a bit of a stutter.

Anyway, we went for a meal and when the waiter asked what she would like to order.......

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point and, being the nice caring person that I am, I decided to help her out and shouted......."BATMAN!"

[oldie]

My Mrs suggested that we should try and liven up our sex life by using the 'other hole' tonight  .

I said, "NO WAY am I trying that!.........You might get pregnant"  

[oldie]

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.

When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump, so this big 6ft 7in instructor unzips his fly and says, "If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse".

Mick asks, "Did you jump?"

Paddy replies, "Just a little bit when it first went in".

[oldie]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Her friend said, "What's that?"
The first lady replied, "It's a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it from?"
"You can get them at any chemist's."
The next day, the friend hobbled down to the local chemist on her zimmer frame and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a packet of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, over 80 years old), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "As long as it fits a Camel…."

[waz]

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford
car. He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."

"You can't say that over the radio", replies the operator, "you have to
use politically correct terminology"

"OK", he says:

"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"

[oldie]

My mate tried some of Walkers new mystery flavour crisps last night, and swore they tasted like his wife's fanny.
He thought it was his imagination......but everyone in the pub agreed.

[waz]

Sky Sports breaking news....
David Moyes is in talks to be the next leader of the UKIP party.
A UKIP spokesman has announced " everyone at UKIP is very impressed with Davids commitment to avoiding Europe at any cost, he would be a natural."

[d1noh]

The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope” said Jose, age 6.

The BBC are going to stream World Cup matches in 4K…Great, now we’ll be able to see the disappointment on the England’s players faces in ultra high definition.

A lot of people seem to lack faith when it comes to England reaching the World Cup final. I, however, fully believe we will see an Englishmen run his bollocks off in the final, taking full control of the middle of the park and stamping his authority on proceedings. That’s right, Howard Webb WILL referee the final. Good luck Howard.

What do you call 22 people sitting around a TV watching the World Cup Final? The England World Cup Squad.

England are 28/1 to win the World Cup this summer, for those who don’t understand betting if you put £10 on it, you lose £10.

[oldie]

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to come up wi' 500 quid

[waz]

very funny


http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014 ... s-got.html

[oldie]

Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.

Hope it's not new songs.

[waz]

Cliff Richard has pleaded his innocence about accusations of abuse he said it was a crying, talking, sleeping, living doll!

[d1noh]

I heard back in the '60s he filmed the young ones while in the shadows

[oldie]

Spotted with his mates a while back   ......
https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t1.0-9/10600392_273106872893488_8328413288474511719_n.jpg

[Guest]

OLDIE !!! HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME. UTTERLY DISGRACEFUL!!    

[oldie]

Eh!! I've nothing to be ashamed of Woody.

[Guest]

No you haven't -- but the Big Perve with the Factory Chimney in his gob did. Flipping good job he saved the taxpayers millions in trial costs.

[waz]

[waz]

Someone asked me, "...And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes - I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it."

[waz]

[PFM]

Someone asked me, "...And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes - I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what exactly do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it."

Own up - Woody told you that, and it wasn't a joke!

[waz]

The old Indian chief called for the two bravest warriors in the tribe.

"Running Buffalo, Falling Rocks, you go and seek buffalo skins. Whichever of you returns with the most skins will become my right hand man and will be the next chief."

A month later, Running Buffalo came back with nearly a hundred pelts.

Sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.

The tribe organized a search and looked everywhere, but they couldn't find the missing brave anywhere.

Today, as you drive through the West, you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this lost warrior. Throughout the highways, on interstates and side roads, you can still see their signs that say, 'Watch for Falling Rocks.'" ???

[oldie]

It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in a red jersey jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from The Scotsman, who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said........

'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.'

'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now -

'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London.'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now -

'English Ba$tard Strangles Family Pet'

[waz]

Two men are in a locker room. One notices the other has a cork in his rectum.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in you rectum?"

"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp.
There was a puff of smoke. A man in a turban came oozing out and said, "I am a Genie. I can grant you one wish."



And I said,--------------- "No shit?"

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