The Joke Thread!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:00 am

I was on holiday Australia with the Mrs recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet, so I phoned the Fosters lager helpline:

"Please help me"
"Hey, what's up man?"
"My girlfriend has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"

"Hadn't thought of that.....Thanks mate, bye"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Dec 13, 2017 5:52 am

My Mrs sent me a text today saying....'I love you xxxxx'
...so I sent a text back saying...'I love you'
...the Mrs text back saying....'It would mean more if you put ex'es at the end'
....So I sent....... 'I love you...Anne, Julie, Clare, Emma, Sue.........".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:38 pm

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Ninianne on Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:42 pm

Ethics Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

You are in Florida - Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper. and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos, there are houses and people swirling around you: some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life - trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is. It's Donald Trump! At the same time vou notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You have two options—you can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:



Would vou select high contrast colour film or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Ninianne on Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:46 pm

Andy the fireman went down the pub after attending a late call out, to enjoy a well earned pint. After he’d drained his glass and was heading for the door, he noticed a man collapsed in a corner, very drunk indeed.

He asked the bartender, “Have you seen this bloke in the corner here?”

The bartender peered over the bar, “Oh no, not again! It’s Joe. I’ll have to find someone to take him home. He’ll not make it alone, even tho it’s only 2 minutes down the road.”

“Don’t bother” said Andy, “It’s on my way, I’ll take him home”. The barman gratefully accepted his offer.

So Andy tried to rouse Joe and get him to his feet. But Joe just muttered incoherently and slowly slid back down the wall on to the floor. Unperturbed, the fireman slung Joe over his shoulder and carried him out of the bar.

On arriving at Joe’s house, Andy attempted to prop Joe up against the front door, intending to ring the door bell and leave Joe to face his wife alone. But the drunk’s legs buckled beneath him and he keeled forwards, heading for a collision with the pavement. The fireman’s quick reactions stopped him just in time. He thought to himself, “This bloke has really had a skin full”.

Twice more Andy tried, without success, to keep the mumbling drunk on his feet long enough to ring the doorbell and do a runner. But each time Joe’s legs melted beneath him and Andy barely caught him before he hit the ground. “He’s going to have a hell of a hangover tomorrow!”, he muttered under his breath.

Inevitably the commotion roused Joe’s wife from her bed. She pushed opened the bedroom window and stuck out her head. She surveyed the scene below her, then she fixed her steely gaze on the undaunted fireman and demanded, “Where the hell is his bloody wheelchair?!”
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Dec 19, 2017 5:08 am

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:56 am

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:12 am

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to come up wi' 500 quid

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Dec 22, 2017 5:59 am

I took my wife to a disco last night.

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down''.

I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating''!!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Dec 26, 2017 5:39 am

While at the gym yesterday, I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to get my finger in....

....anyway, she's filed a formal complaint with the police and my membership has been cancelled.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:07 am

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.

He whispers in her ear, "Iron this... then get me a beer.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Feb 01, 2018 5:43 am

Annoyed by the Professor of Anatomy, who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The Professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.....
Then.....halfway through the lecture, he began.........."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Ladies, Ladies" said the professor with a broad smile, "The next plane for France doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:47 am

A man on his death bed in hospital asked for his wife three, 3 sons and his nurse to be present to hear his last wishes......

To my first son I leave the two blocks of flats in the East-end of London.

To my second son l leave the four penthouse apartment's in Chelsea.

And to my third son I leave the four story glass building near Tower Bridge.

With that he slipped away.

The nurse said to his wife "I did not realise your husband was so wealthy, you and your son's are very lucky".
''He wasn't,'' replied his wife.......''He was a window cleaner.''

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Jul 31, 2018 5:12 am

I asked a North Korean guy what's it like living there?... 'I can't complain' he said.

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